This isn't history or previous personal based, but it is keeping me awake and because one of the reasons I started this blog was to create an open/public journal, I am going to do a quick post. I am involved in the mental health court system (I will have to go into further detail in the future) and met with my probation officer today.
I knew something was up because in her morning text message to me, she mentioned needing a UA (urine sample for a drug/alcohol test) when I saw her. Never before have I needed to do this because I do random UAs Monday through Friday at a different place. Upon meeting my PO, she asks me if I have any relapses to report. Like my usual, addicted self, I lied and stated that I have not had any relapses since getting out of a four week inpatient treatment facility (for alcohol and drug addiction).
She proceeds to tell me that I had a positive result for ETG (a metabolite of alcohol that can be present in the urine up to five days after last consumption of alcohol). As I've always done in most of my adult life (especially in relation to substance abuse), I stuck to my guns and continued to adamantly deny drinking while expressing a feigned ignorance as to why I could possibly have a "false" positive UA.
While I wish that I had A) been honest right after confrontation and especially B) I had self reported the release of alcohol on Christmas 2021, I did not. I have spent the rest of the day with feelings of disappointment, shame, and disgust towards myself. I do recognize that just like my addiction did not happen overnight, so too will recovery not happen overnight. However, I still find it difficult to not lie and instead pretend that everything is okay because it has been the easiest and simplest course of action in my life.
I have been sitting with these justified, negative feelings and doing my best to process them. I am not going to get the full help I need if I am not forthcoming with issues and relapses in my journey of recovery. I need to continue to do the best I can and give myself some grace. Honesty is one of the major pillars of recovery that I need to continuously work on and practice so that I can be as successful as possible with my recovery.
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