Well I suppose that I should write about some of the initial consequences from the abuse of nitrous oxide, especially during the last week or so of living in my apartment where the abuse occurred. It has been a while and I'm hoping that typing this while in my apartment, sitting at the same desk, will help jog my memory. This takes place around August of 2019 where I had started going through 200-400 canisters a day, several days a week (but not completely daily). I had used nitrous before this years prior and in my prior use, I had found it to ameliorate anxiety and depression symptoms. This reduction in anxiety and depression was not just only during active use, but also as an afterglow for a few days following use. I have had some amount of magical thinking, hallucinations, and alterations in my perception during this early use, but that was mostly while using it and any residual effects wore off after 24-48 hours of last use. I also did have some amount of delusions of grandeur as well as ideas of reference. This is a delusion when someone believes that some external factor in their environment carries a special message which would otherwise be perceived as normal. For example, when I heard certain songs playing while in a store, I believed that that song was specially meant for me.
So back to August, I had started experiencing symptoms of mania that were induced by my nitrous use, such as feelings of euphoria, grandiosity, and abnormally increased energy and motivation. I felt and believed that I was destined for greater things besides working as a floor staff and so I text messaged the director of the place I worked at and asked if there was any need for a manager. She told me no, but they were in need of house supervisors and stated that I would be a good fit. I immediately agreed and my training/orientation was slated to start in September. I continued to abuse nitrous and this mania had started progressing into a state of manic-psychosis. I lost a great sense of reality and was living in my own reality where I was this amazing person who had this grand purpose in life. My humility, kindness, and sanity was drowned in this state and while I was still polite during face to face interactions, I had already begun destroying relationships with a few people around me.
One of the main reasons that this nitrous abuse and subsequent manic-psychotic state started to ruin my relationships was because of my selfishness. My compassion for others had eroded and instead turned more to paranoia, although the paranoia had not yet become apparent in the beginning of this state. My thought process and speech was becoming more bizarre and nonsensical. I started to believe that I had obtained some sort of special knowledge from a different reality or somewhere else that wasn't this reality. I had a continued feeling of having an epiphany, but it was always just out of reach from my mind.
I had started writing this at 5pm today, but had to go do a UA and then went grocery shopping. So I finished up this last bit and am going to call it a night. I'd like to write more about this with more energy and clarity, not in a pizza induced haze at night.
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