Hey everyone, I am writing this post to say that I've been fucking up recently. I drank on 02/13/22 and then had a positive UA on 2/14. I've been kicked out of my Oxford house and then my sanction on 02/16 was 24 hours in jail, which they took me straight to from the courtroom. I am mostly embarrassed and continuously upset and disappointed with myself, but I am glad that I had the strength to accept being taken away in cuffs to jail.
One of my stipulations was to find sober housing until this upcoming Wednesday, the 23rd, otherwise face termination from the mental health court system. Obviously the news was not taken well by me and when definitely not when I told my parents. I have not been able to find a sober living house by tomorrow, so I'm pretty fucked. I'm not asking for sympathy; this is all of my doing. I've been given so many chances, so many opportunities, so much love and support from others, especially my parents. So, I sit here, drinking beer, wanting to end my life. Suicidal ideation is something I've struggled with most of my life, tied with depression and substance use. I don't know what I'm gonna do tonight. I would prefer to end my life while drunk and in the comfort of my home with a bed sheet tied off versus almost a month in jail, sober while homeless with limited options to end my life. I'd prefer to skip jail and just kill myself by hanging versus a month of jail, just to jump off an overpass.
Uh, that's all I really have to say right now. I know they won't see it, but I am profusely apologetic and sorry for my parents and anyone else that knows me. I should have done better, but I chose to keep making bad choices.
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