Well I've been sitting or laying in my apartment being useless instead of doing the pro-social activities conducive to recovery and especially not doing the bare minimum of getting stuff ready to move from my apartment. I wouldn't say that I've been depressed, but more like frozen in place and mind. Honestly, it feels pathetic that at 33 years old, I can't even manage the basics at this point whereas three years ago I was working full time making good money and handling my shit. Don't get me wrong, this is not a pity post. The direction I've taken this blog has been to include a little of the present, a smidge of the future, and a lot of the past all mixed together. It's probably my impulsive and non-linear thought process, but I feel like the posts are at least loosely associated with one another lol.
Anyways, I've been thinking about one of my prevailing likely delusional beliefs. I still can't say that this is 100% untrue, even having a year and a half free from nitrous abuse. During my experiences over the past few years, especially while deep in the influence of nitrous, it seems like there are multiple realities and/or worlds that we are caught in a net of. This is hinted at in my previous posts with superposition and ultimately is related to the idea of multiverse, aka there being an infinite amount of universes with an infinite of possibilities. We just live in an aggregated average of the possibilities. I'm still torn on whether the life we live and experience is a result or averages or if it is a result of our choices. Essentially, it could possibly be that our life experience is just an average of the possibilities or we truly do have free choice and we live in the universe in which we chose that option. However, there are "mirror" selves that exist in other possible universes where we chose a different choice.
I know that this seems all crazy and not logically. I promise that I am as reality based as possible currently, but I cannot deny the experiences and previous thoughts I've had. I am going to try an include a video that I find helpful in explaining this thought process. I'm not trying to find the meaning of life, explain our existence, or anything meaningful. It's just my brain doing too much thinking as always and trying to reconcile how I'm not dead or more handicapped from my substance use than I currently am. I don't know whether it is that our reality follows a best outcome path or if there are external factors such as good or bad; God versus the devil. I'll leave it here, but want to write more about my thoughts about more metaphysical topics such as religion.
This video talks about the different possible dimensions and is related to the ideology of multiverses and ultimately what I've written about.
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