Although my struggles with my mental health preceded the start of my substance use and subsequent substance abuse, I figure that this would be a good place to start as my addiction to drugs has had the most significant impact on my life over the past few years. That being said, I cannot say that my battle with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder did not contribute at all to where I am at now. In just a little over two years, I went from working as a registered nurse with a car almost paid off along with thousands in savings to remaining unemployed with no vehicle and no financial security. But I digress, that warrants a deeper dive in future posts.
To preface delving into my initial substance use, I would like to explain that I have had exposure to substances before I ever tried drugs in a recreational sense. When I was in first grade, I was diagnosed with ADHD. As a result, I was placed on methylphenidate (Ritalin) and then eventually Concerta, which was the extended release version of Ritalin. Ritalin is classified as a stimulant and has effects similar to amphetamines/methamphetamines. I was on these medications for several years and although I was taking these medications as prescribed, I can still remember how they influenced my daily life, especially in the context of side effects. I can recall feeling depressed, listless, and restless in the evenings, which was the result of the medication wearing off and therefore I was essentially "coming down". For those unfamiliar with the implications of amphetamine and methamphetamine use, this is crash that later follows the ingestion of the substances after they start wearing off.
The very first recreational substance that I used was alcohol, in the form of scotch, that I had snuck out of my parent's liquor cabinet at the age of 16. Being as I was very young and ignorant of alcohol (not to mention having no physical tolerance), I had consumed much more than I was able to handle and ended up blacking out. The following morning, I was welcomed with a massive hangover, vomit all over my bedroom, and no recollection of he prior night. Although I was not directly confronted by my parents, it was painfully obvious that they could safely assume why their alcohol cabinet appeared to be missing a bottle.
While my first experience with using a substance was not a pleasant one, I felt very intrigued what effects a substance could have and wanted to explore more. However, I did not pursue the use of alcohol for a while, mostly because my parents had locked up their liquor cabinet. As a result, the second substance that I used for fun was marijuana. When I had first smoked marijuana, I was 17 and now in 11th grade. I had attended a sleep over at a friend's house with the knowledge and expectation to try pot for the first time. I was both nervous and excited at the prospect of again altering my consciousness.
I had an enjoyable experience trying marijuana although I did experience some of the side effects such as tachycardia and paranoia (particularly because we were smoking indoors the home of my friend's parents). The experience was in stark contrast of what I had learned in DARE and other such anti-drug education. I didn't immediately die and I didn't get in trouble with the law; it was a relatively benign evening with no noticeable consequences.
Because I had had such a good time and I knew friends that either sold or knew of someone who sold marijuana, that became the substance that I solely consumed until I was a little after 18 years old. While my use of marijuana continued, this is around the time that my curiosity led me to seeking out other substances and the ways they could alter my consciousness. I had started to use tobacco via chew that was sold in tins such as Grizzly Green. I could go more into depth, but it is a less interesting story and I would rather spend the next days and weeks elaborating on different substances as well as my journey with mental health. The very next recreational substance I had tried was dextromethorphan (DXM) which is the main drug contained in over the counter cough syrups. I will save that for the next post.
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