Good afternoon everyone. After my court date yesterday, I am feeling better and more hopeful than I was a few days ago. I really appreciate God and Life telling me affirmations that I am worthwhile and I am valuable in subtle ways. After getting things ready to carry out my plan this past Tuesday, I had three different peers/peer supports text message me out of the blue to check in. I am extremely grateful that I was able to tell them that I had been drinking and what my plan was. One of them called shortly after and shared his story about how his girlfriend had taken her life and the ripples in life it had caused. We talked for a bit and then I thanked him for the support. This is definitely not the only time that three angels were sent to help me out of a difficult spot. I agreed to myself to stick it out and go to court on Wednesday, prepared to spend the time and jail, and then go from there. I realized the extent of my selfish thinking and that some jail time followed by potential homelessness pales in comparison to the pain that suicide brings loved ones.
I did go to court, albeit 30 minutes late and being extremely disheveled. I hadn't showered, shaved, brushed my teeth, or performed much self care during the time I was released from jail on Thursday. When my name was finally called, I walked towards the front of where the judge was, expecting to shortly be again escorted in handcuffs to jail. However, to my surprise, I was not yet given a final judgement by the court. They knew that I was not able to get into sober housing in time and stated that there would be a final determination next Wednesday as to whether I will be terminated from mental health court. I was equally surprised with how I replied and felt that during the past six hours I had grown more as an individual in recovery than I had in the last six months. It was time for utter and complete surrender....
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