This post is a continuance of the previous post and captivates the overall theme from yesterday in court as well as the discussion in my intensive outpatient substance group.
The definition and connotation of surrender greatly varies depending on who is asked. We all have different meanings for that word. For such a long time, I had seen that word as being synonymous with defeat. However, in the past few days, I have come to realize that surrender does not necessarily mean defeat and can be one of the most courageous actions an individual can take.
As I mentioned a few minutes ago in my other post, I had come to terms with total surrender while in front of the judge. It is fairly likely that this late realization and acceptance of surrender is too little too late to fulfill my legal obligations, but I believe it has come at the right time for my recovery. I have been so resistant to the changes I needed to make in the context of my recovery; I wanted to do things my way. However, my way has led me to this position and has been painfully obvious that it is not the right way for recovery.
As for my acceptance of complete surrender, I had told the court that despite next Wednesday's decision, I would be making a total transition to sober housing. I'm not sure if I have been able to fully write about my situation in this blog or if it was even coherent enough during the posts made while intoxicated. From the very start of the month up until February 16th, I had two places of residence. I was of course living at the Oxford house to fulfill the court's mandate, but I had kept my apartment lease going because of my amazing parents paying for the rent. My plan was to stay in the Oxford house only as long as I needed to for the courts and then immediately go back to permanent residence at my apartment. As I explained in my prior posts, the first nights I spent at my apartment after my 30 day black out, I had gotten drunk and consequently failed a UA the day after. I couldn't even make it a day or two without drinking despite having support I can call and especially a sober living place I could have walked back to.
My intentions are to hopefully get accepted into this other sober living situation, break my apartment lease, and move everything out of my apartment. I have lived in this apartment for about eight years and it is the last shred of my old life that I have been terrified of giving up. This has been my life for almost a decade, allowing for a life of solitude and freedom to live how I want aka my way. But again, my way has led me to the current situation I'm in and it is time to let all of it go. I believe that I am going to need at least a year of recovery to feel some confidence in living alone again without going back to substance abuse. I am extremely anxious and scared about how the next few weeks go, but I hope that I can implement these changes in time and be given one final chance to remain in mental health court. At the very least, this surrender will ultimately benefit my recovery long-term whether I remain in court or not.
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